A Descriptive Guide to the Types of the Common Roommates
If you’ve ever gone to college away from the warm swathes of home – you’ve probably met this peculiar variant of the homo sapien family called the ‘roommate’. Some of these creatures squat around the room all day accompanied by some form of external media: music, films, or sitcoms. Some are permanently outside giving the illusion that your natural habitat is completely un-shared.
Some are compulsively clean, while some leave long traces of hair and other objects with increasing levels of horrendous-ness around the place. I’ve been fortunate to interact with two of these species during my three year term behind college, and heard numerous accounts over tea and coffee from other comrades.
After close and extensive research, the writer has been able to note down some of the most popular of these species and their natural habits.
I. Species: Roomunous Untidynuss
Habitat: Chairs, Bed
Sleeping Hours: Ever changing
Food Habits: Undefined
These species, often the most common, require a certain sense of fullness in their habitat. The concept of tidiness is unknown to them, instead they like spreading an assortment of items in close simulation of a crime scene around their habitat. One would find a wide range of objects from a half-eaten packet of lays, to unwashed underwear, the latest aquatic magazine, phones, batteries, dead ‘roaches and who-knows-what-else splattered around them. The species also specializes in the creation of conical structures made of clothes and other apparel on their beds and chairs. They are famous for deciding to arrange things into order once in every semester: deciding against it immediately after noting the exact extent of disarray.
Plus: Enables one to adjust to almost any circumstance
Minus: Clogged drains, GPS navigation across fabric jungle required
II. Species: Roomunous Bestfrienduss
Habitat: Close to your cardiovascular organ
Sleeping Hours: Varied, usually daylight creatures
Food Habits: Human
NBC did a show on this species. It was called F.R.I.E.N.D.S. These creatures are usually the best of the lot managing to forge intellectual and emotional bonds with one. From roommate-special lunches, cute post-it-s and late-night conversations these creatures really become your go-to people. They always know when you’re upset, and how to make it right. Hiding things from them, becomes rather difficult, and problems do arise when arguments happen. Fuming debates are still peace making methods, but days of cold war can really mess with your equilibrium.
Plus: Can cry to…
Minus: Often may cry because of…
III. Species: Roomunous Motherfuss
Sleeping Hours: 11 pm – 5.30 am
Food Habits: Healthy
Unusually mature, these creatures thrive to run the lives of others. With a certain piety that would put Yudhishthir to shame, they rule everything from one’s eating habits to their bedtime with an iron fist. From demanding all information, to providing infuriatingly correct advice the motherfuss is particularly skilled in the art of cooking, cleaning and bed-making. Coming back and hugging these creatures on unspeakable days, though, can make life seem nicer.
Plus: Love and attention
Minus: Love and attention
IV. Species: Roomunous Wierdnuss
Habitat: Alice’s Wonderland
Sleeping Hours: with the waning and waxing phases of the moon
Food Habits: Data unavailable
This species inspired the recent horror film The Roommate. From watching you sleep, trying you record you change, running through your clothes and food, these species of the common Roommate really tire one out. Often known for sleepwalking, or darker, more psychologically challenged activities these people are best stayed away from. They’re scary, just that.
Plus: Prepares you for life
Minus: May practice black magic
V. Species: Roomunous Amouraous
Habitat: Cupid’s Castle
Sleeping Hours: Perpetually nocturnal
Food Habits: Freshly sliced Pyar with a glaze of Tears
These species are the reason the telecommunications industry survives. You may be returning from college, going to bed or waking p in the morning – these wonders are always on the phone. Crouched by the window sill, they sit positioned with the device in their hands for hours together. These creatures are abnormally happy, excited about everything from sunflowers to herbal toothpaste; but fluctuate often (perhaps with the weather) into crying, raging souls disillusioned with the entire world. Constant entertainment, the author recommends misandrists and members of the Bitter Single’s Club to remain far from these people.
Plus: Extremely happy for most of the time
Minus: extremely unhappy for the remaining time, constant debates on the phone on who should cut the call first
VI. Species: Unrommunous Emptinuss
Habitat: Outside World
Sleeping Hours: 3 am to 11 pm/ whenever you wake them up
Food Habits: Sparse eaters, usually junk food
With numerous dresses and a hair-roller always at hand, this species rules the night life of college. Whether you’re sleeping or awake these thriving creatures are always going to feed and gyrate with other creatures in neighborhood watering holes.
With a constant migratory life, these creatures rarely spend over a couple of hours each day in the room – often only for the luxuries of eu de toilet.
Plus: The illusion of living alone
Minus: You are Alone
VII. Species: Rommunous Intoxicus
Habitat: Too High to Describe
Sleeping Hours: daytime
Food Habits: Liquids/Powder/Smoke
Imagine trying to do an assignment with drunk, gossiping girls removing various layers of apparel while debating the pros and cons of calling ‘him from last night’ back – well that’s an everyday feature with the Intoxicus. Unless of course your creature is into cigarettes in which everything you own will smell of nicotine, and the room shall be perpetually foggy. This species is also known to be liberal with powders and needles and may spend most of their time bumbling to you in a trance. If you yourself are not a patron of these substances, you may find living with this species a little challenging.
Plus: Free substance?
Minus: Trouble with the Law
In the college ecosystem, the roommate plays a very important role as she shares your personal space with you – seeing you for whom you really are, at your lowest, and worst. Truth be told, almost all roommates are wonderful, and this article is just for humor. The author promises that with someone you live – an extended hand shall never bear zero reward.